The book is built around three core themes:
- Curiosity
- Character
- Choice
Curiosity and character provide the foundation for good choices. Our call to action is to be curious, build character and make better choices.
Contents:
- Start by considering the End and the Opposite
- Emotional Intelligence
- Fear
- Know Yourself, Be Yourself, Mind Yourself
- Be Kind to Your Parents
- Sales, Negotiation and Influence
- Adversity
- Be a True Friend
- Simplicity
- Choosing a Career
- The Ubiquity of Energy
- Experiences
- Where to Live
- The One for Me
- Having Children
- Compound Gratification
- Thinking
Curiosity: The Why
1. Is there a better question?
Staying curious
Adopt the motto ABC: Always Be Curious. Dont be scared to ask questions, just because ego consumes you.
Good questions trump smart answers
A questioning mentality is far more effective than a knowing mentality.
Good managers ask how questions, innovators also ask why, why not, and what if questions.
Eg. How many matches need to be played to determine a winner in a tournament with 32 teams? Instead of doing the math, you can alternatively consider a different question: How many teams need to lose to produce one winner?
First and Second-Level Thinking
First level thinking focuses on the most visible and immediately obvious answer. Second level thinking considers what else might be going on.
Continually asking ourselves why allows us to go beyond first-level thinking.
Questions in Group Settings
Whenever you find yourself in a group forum that is tackling some topic: Ask a question!
If we search for better questions, which ultimately leads to better answers, we should be prepared to act on that answer even if it contradicts our world view.
This is hard for most of us, but it is a hallmark of emotional maturity.
Better Conversations
Edward de Bono wrote a book called How to be Interesting, which might be summarized in two words: Be interested
The why, what-if, and how sequence can be the key to interesting conversation, and is far more interesting than complaining about the status quo.
Good if questions stimulate rich debate.
2. Lifelong Learning
By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; Third, by experience, which is the bitterest.
The incentive to keep learning is not always obvious to us.
Stages of competence:
- Ignorance
- Conversational competence
- Operational competence
- Proficiency
- Mastery
Most of us stop at operational competence, and become flat-line learners. We need to choose lifelong learning over flat-line learning.
Choosing lifelong learning is one of the few good choices that can make a big difference in our lives, giving us an enormous advantage when practiced over a long period of time.
Since there isn’t enough time to learn everything through direct experience, it is far better to learn from the mistakes of others.
Reading is the fountain of indirect learning.
Types of reading:
- Elementary reading - Just recall what the book says.
- Inspectional reading - Get the gist of the general context.
- Analytical reading - We explain what the book means, deliberate and focused form of reading. Underline and make notes.
- Synoptical reading - Evaluating how the book compares with the others on the same topic.
Learn how to read for understanding
Know how to test whether you really understand something by demonstrating that you could teach it in simple terms with a clear analogy.
3. Listening
Don’t be a crocodile, all mouth and no ears. Choose a learning lens over a lecturing lens. Be aware of the differences between your culture, history, context, emotional state and that of the others. To truly listen to others is a gift to them. Give it with courtesy and humility.
Suggestions for better communication with others:
- Make the learning lens your default setting
- Make them a star - This is not false flattery
- Be courteous - No need for rudeness; Leave out nonconstructive criticism.
- Double check your gut feelings - Don’t let first impressions trigger subconscious negative emotions.
- Find your words - Choose your words carefully
- Words are never enough - Tone and demeanor should be consistent with your words.
- Know when to give or accept an apology - A genuine apology, offered sincerely and accepted, is one of the most emotionally mature human interactions.
4. Incentives
The rabbit runs faster than the fox, because the rabbit is running for his life, while the fox is only running for his dinner
Incentives matter greatly - underestimate them at your own peril. People will navigate the shortest path to the incentive.
The Distorting Power of Incentives (or the “Pointed Carrot”)
We get into trouble when we fail to recognize that incentives can overly focus our behavior. Eg. Imagine a game of football where the first goal scorer took all the spoils. There would be one hell of a scramble to score the first goal. The carrot is effective, but it is too pointed.
Perverse Incentives
Understanding incentives is linked to second-level thinking. Eg. Incentives for finding a dead snake in Delhi, led to more breeding of snakes.
Incentives are not just monetary
There is much more than money. Money cheapened the nature of a charitable act of blood donation.
What many of us really want is the have pride in what we do, and to treat our work as our craft. “The canvas on which to sign our own work”
5. Consider the Context
Always consider the context (Point of view) and recognize that:
- it is different for everyone
- it changes over time
Don’t be dogmatic.
Dealing with context dependency:
- Always consider whether there is a better question.
- Consider what might be missing.
- For important decisions don’t think twice, think thrice.
- Use checklists.
- Develop your won decision making frameworks and keep decision journals.
- Think like a scientist, and focus on the empirical and measurable evidence.
- Consult others who have real and relevant experience.
- Widen the diversity of your won experience.
Avoid usage of words “I know” and “I believe”. Instead use “In my experience of similar situations, I have frequently found …”
Character: The Who
1. Start by considering the End and the Opposite
Consider the End
To build a foundation of good character on which we can make good choices, we need to look forward. Start bz considering the end. Why are we here, and what do we hope to achieve? What makes a fulfilling life?
Consider the Opposite
Some insight may be found by posing the opposite question: What might an unfulfilled life look like? Or, what would a truly wasted life look like?
This method is called Inversion.
Inversion
To get more clarity in a decision making process, try the following thought process:
- What am I hoping to achieve? Look beyond the surface level. What am I really looking to achieve?
- What does achievement look like to me? Express it in as much detail as possible.
- What behavior or actions would ensure that I failed?
- What actions do I need to take to get to where I want to go (guided by avoiding the behaviors and actions in step 3)?
Ray Dalio’s principles for a life well lived:
- Knowing what you want
- Knowing what’s true
- Knowing what you need to do
- Doing it
2. Emotional Intelligence
List of traits for greater emotional intelligence:
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Acceptance - We cant change what has already happened, but we can choose our reaction. Serenity prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Egs. Nelson Mandela and Victor Frankl.
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Awareness - People with high EQ tend to have a good feel for what is going on around them.
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Character - Build character through integrity and authenticity. To be of strong character is one of the highest compliments.
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Communication - Good communicators are perceptive and tactful
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Compassion - Encourage compassion, rather than empathy. A mother is compassionate to a child, where as a doctor shows empathy towards a patient. Compassion - positive; Empathy - negative;
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Equanimity - Calmness of mind or temper. Stay in control.
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Honesty - Be honest with yourself as well as others.
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Interdependence - Learning and accepting help from others creates value far beyond our own individual capabilities.
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Patience - The ability in young children to delay gratification is a strong indicator of success in later life. “If you want to achieve anything in life all you need is a clock on the leaning tower of Pisa” - the time and the inclination.
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Perspective - People with high EQ are awake to different perspectives and possibilities.
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Resilience - Resilience or grit gives us the capacity to treat setbacks as part of the forward journey. It takes discipline and persistence to grow in the world. Flexibility is an important component of resilience.
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Sociability - Emotionally intelligent people know how to both make and keep friends. Introverts are just as sociable as extroverts, they just prefer to be sociable in smaller groups. Being loud and abrasive is not sociable. It is the opposite.
3. Fear
Fear is closely associated with anticipated loss. Change always brings the possibility of loss. We worry that we are losing out as compared to a present or perceived state. Future fears melt away when we fully accept ourselves as we are. If we drop our comparisons, our attachments and our demands we can then be free of fear.
Loss is as natural as birth. In recognizing and accepting the impermanence of all things we choose awareness over attachment, flow over resistance. Humans have extraordinary capacity to adjust to circumstances, and we bounce back from difficulties far more easily than we think we will.
Cast away the anchor of fear, leave the harbour of regret and let the winds of curiosity take us forth.
4. Know Yourself, Be Yourself, Mind Yourself
Know Yourself
Our quality of life is heavily influence by the quality of our choices. Knowing ourselves allows for more productive choices.
How do we get to know ourselves? Examining and reflecting on our feelings is one way. When someone makes us angry, sad, annoyed, bitter, jealous or joyful - our feelins are always about us rather than about the other person. Examined feelings are a treasure trove of personal understanding.
Be Yourself
- You are a unique being; cherish your individuality.
- No one is watching and monitoring you, atleast not to the degree that you might think.
- Not everybody will like you, and that’s fine.
Having personal goals and values, aid in being ourselves.
There is a crack in everything, That’s how the light gets in.
Let the light in and be happy with who is revealed.
Don’t fear being called an eccentric. Eccentrics have lower levels of stress and are more healthy, since they do not care about what people say. They demonstrate higher levels of curiosity, humour and creativity.
Mind Yourself
Well-being comes in two parts. Physical and Mental.
Physical well-being is a right combination of nutrition, sleep and exercise. Mental well-being is more complex.
Difficult upbringings make us more susceptible to mental anxiety later in life, so it may be out of our control to prevent.
To reduce the risk of mental anxiety the following may be helpful:
- Pursue a purpose. Live, Love, Learn and Leave a Legacy.
- Aim for a balance between work and play.
- Rest. Take tme out and switch off teh noisy mental chatter.
- Practice accepting what is.
- Stand up for yourself. You have the basic right to be treated with respect and dignity.
- Believe in something bigger than yourself.
5. Be Kind to Your Parents
Kindness is not just for strangers. Show appreciation, spend time together and make small gestures of kindness towards parents.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle. - Plato
6. Sales, Negotiation and Influence
The science of selling
- Friends - Sales is about making friends with people on the ground. Face to Face interaction is important.
- Fish - Where is the best place to fish? Where the fish are. Similarly, if you are going to sell, you may as well spend your time with those who are mos likely to want to buy.
- Fearless -The best salespeople see rejection as a way to learn, improve and work towards mastery of their profession.
- Frank - To make an honest sale you need to believe in yourself, and you need to believe in your product or service.
Negotiation
10 traits of successful negotiation
- Successful negotiators prepare.
- Successful negotiators seek bigger pies, not bigger slices. Collaborate, don’t compete.
- Successful negotiators take their time.
- Successful negotiators focus on understanding the underlying interests of both parties.
- Successful negotiators understand perception.
- Successful negotiators maximize, but never overuse, their perceived power.
- Successful negotiators rarely ever accept the first offer.
- Successful negotiators believe that virtually everything is negotiable.
- Successful negotiators delve into differences.
- Successful negotiators incrementally and continually build on common ground.
Influence
Cialdini’s six principles of influence in Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion
- Reciprocation - If you want to receive, give first.
- Scarcity - People want what’s scarce. Eg. Limited editions.
- Social Proof or Consensus - People do things if other people are doing them. “If it’s good for them, it must be good for us”.
- Authority - People have a psychological tendency to respect authority.
- Consistency - Being inconsistent is considered undesirable. Avoid inconsistency.
- Liking - If you want to increase your influence with someone else, strengthen your friendship with them.
Good character = Principled sellers = Natural ability + Science + Integrity
7. Adversity
There are three ways of dealing with adversity:
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Reflection - The purpose of reflecting on adversity is to understand that it is inevitable, indiscriminate and arbitrary. We can learn a lot from adversity, but let’s not be hostage to fortune. Instead, count our blessings if we have managed to dodge the arrows in the shadows.
- Recognition - Through recognition our goal is to truly face adversity when we come in contact with it, and not avoid it. A frequent reaction to adversity is to deny it happened. Adversity places a fork in the road.
- The low road appears easier, but it is downhill. The low road is the road of avoidance, social withdrawal, blaming, brooding, distraction and anger.
- The high road is harder, it is uphill, but the view from the top is clearer. The high road is the road of acceptance, awareness, perspective and perseverance.
- Re-writing - In re-writing we are tasked with updating our life story to incorporate the adversarial event.
You can update your life with the following 3 narratives:
- Victim narrative : This takes us under
- Survivor narrative : This helps us cope
- Growth narrative : This is an opportunity to demonstrate our resilience, choose our response and take ownership of our future. It leads to a greater focus on relationships, experiences, learning, community service and a fresh appreciation of what it means to be alive.
8. Be a True Friend
To be a true friend is the greatest gift you can give and receive.
Friends are warm. Consider being WARM as a reminder to be:
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Welcoming : Instinctively make them feel welcome with a smile and a warm greeting.
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Authentic : Friends are free to be themselves and friends allow us to be ourselves.
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Reliable : Friends are there for each other. No matter how much time has passed, when we meet up with old friends, it feels like time falls away and we reignite the part of us that liked each other from the start.
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Mutually respectful : In a balanced relationship each friend respects each other for who the are.
9. Simplicity
Credibility and clarity go hand in hand. We should be clear in our communication, both written and oral.
Complex language is being used as a cloak of intelligence, when in fact the opposite is more often the case. Pretentious writing is not a demonstration of intelligence.
Occam’s razor: A scientific rule of thumb that urges us to first consider the possible solution with the least number of assumptions. The more obvious explanation is usually the better starting point.
On building character our preference should be to speak and write clearly. the ability to reduce something to its essence is the true mark of understanding.
Choice: The What
We are the product of our choices. Good choices come from good character, and a few good choices make all the difference.
1. Choosing a Career
An underappreciated aspect of life is that, rewards received are not directly proportional to effort expended. Understanding that principle early in life will make a meaningful difference to your quality of life.
Work you enjoy
Finding a career you can enjoy is one of the most valuable things you can do in life.
When we need to work to pay the bills, and life’s necessities get in the way at times, try to work in an area that moves you towards working at what you enjoy. It will be easier knowing that you are moving in the right direction.
Experiment. Change represents the only way to bring you closer to what you truly enjoy. Let the long-term price of enjoyable work give you the strength to handle the short-term discomfort of change.
Share of value
There are two types of monetary reward systems
- Reward System A : Power by the hour; Footwork
- Reward System B : Share of value; Headwork
Most employees work largely in Reward System A i.e Footwork.
Business owners, entertainers, commission-based salespeople, entrepreneurs, and those careers that offer profit participation, have a total compensation significantly greater than yours even though they work no harder than you.
80/20 Principle: Output is not proportionate to input, or value to effort. As an employee, you can be in the 20% category that delivers 80%, or the 80% that delivers the 20%. If you are an employee in the higher value category, you are in a stronger negotiating position for sharing in value creation.
Harnessing the power of sharing in value can be substantially more financially rewarding when compared to areas where wages are capped - for the same effort.
Work with people whom you trust and respect
- Do homework on the people with whom we choose to work.
- Find people whom we trust and respect.
- Find a good mentor.
2. The Ubiquity of Energy
Focus
Our brains are not wired to be good at multitasking non-routing activities. Do one thing at a time. Avoid distraction. Schedule activities when you are naturally more productive. Nutrition and rest are crucial.
Moving from reaction to Enthusiasm
There are 3 ascending levels of energy
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Reactive - At this state, something happens and we react. We sit back and observe what the world throws at us, to which we habitually or subconsciously react with no motivation.
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Proactive - A more productive, higher energy level is when we become proactive. We choose to do something on our initiative. Eg. starting new conversations with strangers. All progress depends upon proactivity.
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Enthusiastic - Our most productive state is when we are enthusiastic. This combines being proactive with a real sense of purpose. Proceeding with enthusiasm is both a pleasant and a productive route to developing skills. Doing things because you want to , not because you feel you have to. Enthusiastic people enhance your energy, while other can sap it. A glint in the eye is clear to all.
Discover what enthuses you and discover teh power of positive energy. Be an energy magnifier. Choose enthusiasm.
3. Experiences
If you were to choose one object if your house was burning, you wouldn’t choose the most expensive thing, rather you’d choose a photograph or a personal diary. It is more than a physical object, it is a representation of memory, a past experience.
Experiences trump things: People tend to derive more lasting happiness from experiences. Happiness from things is transitory, but the joy from experiences is enduring.
Facts fill the mind; Experiences open it.
When you get the opportunity to experience something different, take it.
Differentiate yourself through the diversity of experiences.
4. Where to Live
Where we live too often comes down to chance, as a by-product of other decisions or as a compromise.
Recognizing that where we live is an important life choice should cause us to give the decision more thought.
Three categories of considerations on where to live:
- Logical considerations
- Comprehensive and accessible social infrastructure (public transport, education, personal safety, healthcare, fitness and recreational areas)
- Ample and varied employment opportunities.
- A stable rule of law that protects individual rights.
- Personal considerations
- Big fish in a small pond or small fish in a big pond.
- Cities or towns
- Urban or rural
- Warm or cold climate
- One type of political system or another
We may live somewhere which is not perfect for our current needs, but will be later, and we are happy to be patient and choose to delay gratification.
Personal choices change with time. People with young families will have different preferences to retirees.
- Emotional considerations
- Who do we live it? Not just at home but also the neighborhood.
- Feeling that we fit within our community matters to our sense of place and purpose.
- There is no substitute for trusted and kind neighbors, close friends and being among people who are generally optimistic.
5. The One for Me
Expectations matter greatly. We should have high hopes and low expectations. The success of arranged marriages has a lot to do with expectations. Expectations are realistic.
It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages. When entering into a marriage one ought to ask oneself: do you believe you are going to enjoy talking with this woman up into your old age?
Marriage is friendship that is best grounded in mutual respect and a contentment with being in each other’s company.
Identify the balance between positive and negative emotional cues. Too much negativity, and a relationship is heading for the rocks.
Don’t choose a partner, that we feel can fix us. Only we can fix ourself.
Ensure that you and your partner, share the same moral code.
When you find the right person, don’t mess it up. You may not get a second chance.
Pillars of finding a good marriage partner:
- Take your time. Whom to marry is probably the most important decision you will ever make.
- Don’t settle. Be aware of the most obvious warning signals and don’t expect to change your partner.
- Look for long-term friendship that is grounded in mutual respect and enjoyment of each other’s company.
- Deserve a good partner.
Attributes that you would not like to see in a prospective partner:
- Anyone with unrealistic expectations!
- Someone with no close friends.
- Someone with no sense of humour.
- Those with an overly pessimistic orientation.
- Anyone we want to change, think we can change or who wants to change us.
- Someone who does not speak our language, literally or figuratively.
- Those who are bad-tempered, mean, domineering or incapable of change.
- Someone we have just met and have not had a chance to get to know.
- Someone we fell we can’t have good conversations with now, or in ten years’ time.
- Someone who is widely different in age, maturity, culture or belief systems.
6. Having Children
For most people the decision on whether to have children will come naturally to them. Nature does its thing. We should however be mindful of our motivations. Do not have children to:
- “Lock in” a partner
- Add another achievement to the list
- Mind us in our old age
- Simply follow what others do.
- The ticking biological clock is also a powerful motivator. The possibility to freeze eggs provide relief in such cases.
Having wider family support available to parents is a real blessing. Kind grandparents can be wonderful role models for children, a source of non-judgemental encouragement.
Through our children we can get a strong sense of purpose and focus. The loving bond between parent and child is one of the strongest there is.
Some of the most satisfying moments in life, are with children experiencing:
- having fun together
- doing things for each other
- joyfully lost in an engaging activity
- laughing or singing
- showing natural love and affection
- developing their own distinct personalities and capabilities
The responsibility that accompanies raising children is a heavy one.
Having children:
- tests our patience, our endurance, and after consecutive sleepless nights, our very sanity.
- recasts, and often severely strains, our other relationships, in particular our relationship with our partner
- puts us under financial pressure and can thereby hold us in jobs we dislike
- widens our range of emotional experiences from the highs to the lows
- severely curtails spontaneity
- heightens our senses so that we instinctively smell, see or hear danger, even when it’s not serious.
What is our goal as parents?
- Showing unconditional love
- Fostering our children’s self-esteem.
- The goal is that our children know they are loved and know they are capable.
If we can release young adults that have inner confidence in their unique capacity to live life fully, we should be able to reflect with pride as they go on to be positive and productive member os society. With this parenting privilege, we will have loved and we would have left a legacy.
7. Compound Gratification
Everyone’s relationship to money is different and our attitudes are shaped by our upbringing and life experiences.
When we save, we make the choice to forgo current consumption with a view to consumption at a later time. We defer gratification. An early capacity to delay gratification is predictive of future social and cognitive competence.
When an animal is presented with food it will usually eat it. This is the natural thing to do. We favour smaller sooner over larger later. This is the reason why a majority do not save.
The power of compounding is extraordinary.
Be extremely wary of borrowing.
Framework for Saving:
- Maximize your capacity to save
- Spend less than you earn.
- Commit to a regular and automatic savings plan
- Automatic monthly transfer from your checking account to an investment account.
- Invest rationally -
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Warren Buffet, said when he dies he has asked the executors of his will to put 90% of his wealth in a low-cost S&P 500. and 10% in a low-cost short-dated government bond. The 10% is to be used for emergencies, so that it does not break the other 90% invested in S&P 500.
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Very few are good in DIY investing.
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Else have a trusted investment manager, but split your savings pool across a few managers, with a minimum 10 year track record, and different investment styles.
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- Minimize costs -
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Tax efficiency is a crucial component in building long-term wealth. Get professional advice here. Look in particular at whether you are fully utilizing the tax-free compounding capacity of pension or retirement plans for you and your spouse.
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The cost of inflation, cannot be reduced. Rely on investment performance outpacing inflation.
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8. Thinking
Our brains are powerful but far from perfect. While our gut, intuition and subconscious serve us well, for important decisions we need to think twice. Understanding how our brains operate improves our ability to use them.
We would like to believe that we have good control over our thoughts, reactions and decision-making processes, but the truth is that we are subject to biases and unconscious influences that hijack our capacity to make good choices.
The interesting biases or mental muggings are as follows:
- Dog with a bone (loss aversion)
- We hate losing things, and this causes us to react very negatively if someone tries to take something from us.
- We typically weigh losses twice as heavily as we value gains.
- It explains why we are at fault, and don’t cut our losses, and prefer to keep going in the hope that we may break even.
- Interests not reasons (the incentive bias)
- When seeking to persuade, appeal to interests not reason.
- Your fault, not mine (the “fundamental attribution” effect)
- We are better at seeing the flaws in others than we are at seeing them ourselves.
- When others do things, we see their behavior as a representation of their true nature rather than a reaction to our behavior.
- I’m on top of this (the illusion of control)
- We focus disproportionately on what we think we can do and not enough on what our competitors are doing.
- We over-estimate what is in our control and underestimate the role of chance.
- The glove fits (the coherent story bias)
- If someone gives us a reason for something, we are inclined to accept it, even if the merits are suspect. This is the reason-respecting tendency. Eg. At the airport line, to skip the queue, just go up to the top of the line and say “I am under time pressure to catch a plane”. You will be surprised how many people accept your ‘reason’.
- I have it handy (the availability bias)
- We give greater weight to more recent facts, more vivid facts or the story that seems more coherent. We tend to accept our first conclusions. The trap of “what you see is all there is”.
- Highlights and happy endings
- Apart from highs and lows, we also disproportionately remember and value endings. Eg. A high-end hair salon train people to make the last five minutes of every customer’s encounter special.